This week is a strange week for me … it’s a week in which I feel unsettled, I get the urge to clear clutter, to make space and to change lots of things… I know why this is. This week is the lead up to an anniversary. An anniversary which changed everything for me and everything about me.
Whilst the event itself was devastating the weeks and months after a time of darkness. It was also an event which has brought me to place of contentment in my life – something I once thought I would never find…it has also led to lead my life in a very different way – a defining moment in my journey of intention.
Whilst the anniversary itself changes in the way it affects me as the years are passing, I have noticed there is a constant in the way I feel in the week leading up to it. Always the same … firstly a waiting for the week to start – there are key dates in the week which I understand now of course are what I call in my professional life ‘triggers’. Sometimes it feels like it takes forever to get here and other years like this year time has whizzed by so fast I am almost surprised the wheel has turned yet again.
But here we are again and as if by clockwork it begins … I cannot focus on a task, I can’t simply sit (and I am not great at that anytime).. there is a driving need to keep busy but also to focus that business on removing stuff. So far I have cleared coats and shoes from the cloakroom, I have emptied the under stairs cupboard. The bathroom shelves have had it large and even hubbies’ wardrobe has been re organised. I have also booked a complete professional wardrobe revamp in as I fight the urge to simply take everything, charity it and start all over again whilst at the same time have given in to that compulsive shopping habit I have and bought new stuff which I totally do not need.
The last 3 years saw me also change my appearance every time – I grew my hair all year and had it all cut off in the same week each time. There is a need to reinvent myself and have the ultimate fresh start. Perhaps this is all made greater as it is also the Samhain – The Pagan New Year and our time when we remember those that have passed over.
This year though something is slightly different in the way I am approaching it. This year I am already seeing that the practise I do throughout the year is having an impact. That I am beginning to be able to apply what I work with for my clients to my own situation.
Firstly I am no longer ‘surprised ‘by how I feel in this week – I have been expecting it. My knowledge from my own work understands now that this week when it happened was a time when I felt completely out of control and experienced true fear. The week I am in now is not that week, those are not my emotions now – I am experiencing a memory of those emotions.
My busyness is my coping mechanism – I am not fighting it this year, I am leaning in and going with it because I also understand that this is just how it is. I have had years when I have felt so frustrated that I so obviously haven’t ‘healed’ as I thought I had because I end up in the same place every time. Now I understand that I don’t have to feel differently – I can just be as I am being and that’s OK… (and on the plus side I get a lot done and really de-clutter!)
In previous years I always taken the actual day off, because I anticipated I would not be in a good place…( we call this anticipation anxiety – and it can create a whole host of challenges which actually you may not even have) and I felt I ‘should’ because it the right and proper thing to do, however this year I am booked to do a whole day of talks and I slightly intrigued to note that actually I also don’t feel guilty about this .. because it’s one day and I firmly believe I honour the person every day of my life.
So this week I will practice acceptance , I will be compassionate to myself, I will lean in and be curious about what I am feeling – I will go with the flow … and after it’s done for another year I will then Stop Breathe, Be Present and Mindful and face the coming year with a renewed sense of purpose.
If you would like support following bereavement you can join my free Face book group ..