Filters and Red Flags

Red Flags – these are behaviours / actions / traits in people that are really to help us filter in and out people – and to think about whether to proceed with caution!

They can be very personal to you and not so serious or they can be real warning signs.

These more serious red flags are there for a reason.

So how come we don’t often see them when we consider a relationship?

How come others can see them and we can’t?

There’s a lot of science behind this but in a nutshell it’s based on our lived prior experiences and our inbuilt view of how a relationship is (we call this blue printing which is for another blog!) – what we’ve learnt as a child and we begin to filter in or filter out certain people. And because we do a lot of this subconsciously, we can sometimes miss those clear signs and filter in people who aren’t a good choice. It’s a bit like those colour blindness tests – you can see the different colour numbers of patterns unless you are colour blind then it becomes invisible – and you can replicate this by putting those old fashioned 3 D glasses on with blue and red filters. Suddenly you can’t see the message that others can.

Then even if you really know a relationship is not healthy you still filter those people in.

Once we are in the relationship other factors come into play. Emotional investment for one – the longer you spend time on someone and on a relationship the more you are likely to condone behaviours – because other wise you need to admit it isn’t right and then take action – and this can feel very difficult.

So how do we change this?

How do we stop making the same relationship patterns?

The first step is always awareness. Think about the relationships you have had and what worked and what didn’t.

Think about behaviours that you did notice and then rewind to earlier in the relationship and start to think when you perhaps had some doubts or can now see that things were starting to flag up.

Could you have made a decision earlier?

Do you see where you condone or made excuses for behaviours?

Red flags are there for a reason. It’s our own internal warning system. It helps us define compatibility.

You might be very able to filter out based on ‘the wrong shoes’ or enjoying a hobby such as fishing … so, it’s just as vital that you can spot those more serious red flags and feel able to action early on.