What Is Normal?

This is a question which people individually and as couples bring up a lot in sessions.

They are already evaluating their relationship and therefore it is common to start to think – how does this compare to others?

Of course the fact is there is no generic normal .. yes there might be stats on length of relationship, times people have sex, dates etc .. but overall within a relationship every normal is different!

Normal for me a beige word when it comes to relationships.

If you want to start reviewing your relationship you look at what’s normal within yours and yours alone.

Think about when your relationship feels really good, when you are connected to each other, how you communicate with one another- this is about setting your baseline – I talk about putting in place a relationship foundation where you explore how the relationship will work.

• For some couples they might have sex 3 times a week, for others it might be 3 times a year – is one better than the other?  -not if it works for the couples involved.
• Other couples might enjoy time alone a lot more than some.
• Some couples sleep in separate beds – or go to bed at different times – others would find this really disruptive to the dynamic in a relationship.
• Some couples schedule in date times and sex dates – others leave it to impulse and chance.
• In some relationship and families there is always passionate debate and raised voices – arguments which clear the air – for others this would be uncomfortable and upsetting.

Even in our social lives some couples will social a lot and together and others are happy in their own space.

When you start to be clear on what works for you in your relationship you can then see if you are dropping below that bar and need to make adjustments or whether things are going really well and you are taking that bar up (if so keep it going 😊).

So, you see asking if it’s normal for a relationship doesn’t help you make progress – because no couple is normal – no statistics really give an overall picture of what goes on behind closed doors.

My answer is – if it works for you, if the relationship feels balanced, purposeful, respectful, healthy and harmonious – then it’s your normal and that’s all that matters😊

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