This is another new word coming into fashion especially in our more open relationship world… but really it can apply to any agreement or commitment so firstly what exactly is micro cheating?
Micro cheating is when you do something small that breaks the rules of engagement … when you do something which you know your partner would not like but isn’t full on cheating … or is that the question itself?
Example might be you haven’t made a relationship agreement but you know full well your partner wouldn’t like you having dinner with someone else who is potential relationship material … you don’t have the dinner but you do spend time with them , maybe a flirty text or two and perhaps even coffee over lunch … or you have made a relationship agreement but you bend the rules ever so slightly – knowing it would cause tension . Let’s say you have clearly agreed to be totally open about who you are talking to in an open relationship – but there is one person you haven’t quite got round to disclosing. You are going to of course, you just haven’t yet … and a part of you knows this isn’t the agreement … but you aren’t really cheating, are you?
So, the question is actually not what is micro cheating but what is cheating – because honestly if you have gone against a relationship agreement it’s better to see it for what it is … an indiscretion. The minute you get that feeling you shouldn’t be doing it – well that’s your sign!
And again honestly whilst micro cheating is talked a lot about in blogs, articles and books I have not yet had a client set come in to debate whether it was simply a micro cheat or a full on cheat. Because for your partner where is the line drawn … what moves it from a micro cheat to a full cheat? Is micro cheating in fact just a weird grey area that has been created to allow individuals to push the boundaries even more …?
As we become more open and freer with our relationships its so important to be clear what’s in and what’s out, what the rules are … this means a lot of discussion.
Leaving it to the point where you are not sure leaves all parties open to stress and hurt.
When you make your agreement, you could use this great exercise from Dr Tammy Nelson …the WHAT IF exercise …
What if … I fancy someone else.
What if … I wanted to have lunch with someone.
What if … I didn’t declare my other ‘relationships’
You can see the picture. And for those of you who are in traditional relationships and thinking this doesn’t apply to me … haven’t you ever thought about what if …
I remember clearly watching a TV programme with my husband and one the main characters shared an ice-cream with another married character … and I was clear – this was not on for me! This would not be a micro cheat this would be a full-on no – so whatever style of relationship you are in – have a think … and talk about things without judgement before something happens that makes you consider whether there is any grey area at all.
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