The Relationship Conflict Within You.
If you thought searching for that relationship one was already difficult enough, here I go about to give you some info which will dive into that even further – so apologies in advance for that 😊!
I hate to break it to you, but your mind is already in conflict before the search for the one even starts.
And the ever-present visual world we live in depicting perfect relationships and beautiful people continues to build on that for you.
So here we go … firstly you have your subconscious view of what a relationship is – this is wired from an early age – your own experiences of love and being loved and how this was role modelled for you. This is what our subconscious searches for when it looks for a match – the norm – the thing we understand and are comfortable with.
OK great I here you say – I have a road map for who to look to match with – but wait – that only works if you have a healthy norm of a relationship – what if your norm was toxic, was unhealthy , wasn’t what is actually needed in a relationship ? and how do you know ?
In that case you still go looking for it – still look for that match but end up in a relationship which is all those things all over again – and whilst you know that isn’t what you really want you keep ending up there – repeating those patterns and then feeling disillusioned with what you have.
So then you search for something different – let’s go to Instagram and look at the beautiful people or to FB where we find all the weddings – look how perfect their relationship is – and you think actually I want that .. but this is problem for most people regardless of background or relationship norm – because actually most of those relationships you see on line – don’t actually exist. But we place expectations on our perfectly ordinary partner or perspective partners and then – you got we feel disillusioned and disenchanted with our less than perfect relationship .
I call this ordering a meal which is not on the menu!
So before we all feel like finding a good relationship is not possible – let’s check into reality!
The fact is relationships for 99.9% of us – are just ordinary – and the fact that they are is the gift we often miss. Relationships live in the real world – and whilst they can be romantic and have exciting moments they all settle into a partnership – work, home, chores, child care, responsibilities and repeat.
And again let me say this – what a gift!
Because the joy is that in these ordinary relationships we can start to feel secure and valued – we can plan for futures and enjoy the consistency of knowing this is something to build on.
I clearly remember thinking about what a new relationship would be like when my own first marriage ended after 21 years together. I admit – I was looking or excitement, passion – the whole bag of tricks .. what I learnt though after a few disasters was summed up the song – Flowers in The window – that having someone with me and having time ‘to watch the flowers grow ‘ that’s where the magic happens.
You can create some amazing memories amongst the everyday. But never forget to cherish the everyday for what it is …
My next blog will explore this further and focus on how it’s not your partners job to make you happy and do what you want … and so many individuals and couples get hung up on this – so exploring the power of being able to say no to one another is key.
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