Be in the relationship – part 2

Last time I wrote about how we often step out of a relationship with someone before it’s ended and this can be confusing for us to then make a clear decision on what to do next… we need to step back in 100% first and then decide .

And it’s also the case with ourselves. For many of us we have stepped out of our relationship with yourself… for many reasons.

Maybe we have just lost touch with ourselves due to other commitments.

Maybe we don’t want to remember what it feels like being us, so we dissociate in some way.

Perhaps we don’t even like ourselves too much – if you think about those voices in your head that we all have … and you think about what they say – if they are always critical or nasty – why would you want to spend time with that person?

In real life you would want to distance yourself so it makes sense you would do this in a subconscious approach also.

But the down side is that when the person we are not connected with is actually ourselves – all the same problems occur about making good choices, making decisions etc … and these then effect how we behave and how we react with others around us – there is no getting away from ourselves and that is critical piece to remember.

Sometimes we even think we are in a healthy place of relationship with self and it turns out we are in a space of avoidance and avoidance is normally caused by fear. This was me a few years ago – I had gone through my anxiety challenges ; I was now on my way to healing and my relationship was in a good place … but something didn’t feel right. We were living out of two houses bringing tow families together, but I wasn’t settled. When I look back now it was because what I really wanted was to be a family – to bring it together on a permanent basis. But I wasn’t going to say that because I had got my what I thought was boundaries in place – but now I see were barriers.

We had an agreement that suited me fine – no living together, no getting married , no more children …

Why – well because I needed to protect myself of course – to be independent … but what I wasn’t do again ( I really needed practice at this!) was listening to what I was telling myself. In stead of having a complete relationship with my self-including a good 2 way conversation – or perhaps three way – mind, body and sprit I was just running along making good / safe choices … and any time it felt off – I juts got myself busier and carried on going.

I was blessed to find a really good man who was prepared to make the space to have the conversation between us so I could be honest with myself and have the conversation with me … but it took time… I held onto that mantra for so long that even when we decided to have another child together I remained living in my own home and not getting married… because then I could not be hurt and having a child was a huge decision for me with many many agreements that needed to be discussed for many many reasons…

Of course that didn’t last and here we all are doing our thing as a family and another 6 years down the line… but the learning was I needed to be able to have that conversation that I didn’t want to have – I needed to admit I was scared.. I needed to uncover what scared me and I needed to have a very important word with myself.

Brene Brown talk of how the vulnerable are the most courageous because they give themselves to the option of being hurt – life can be hurtful , loving can hurt , but avoiding the relationship with yourself can be equally painful.

So much more to say on this but for now perhaps think about when you last sat and had a conversation with yourself – when did you last review the relationship you have with you?

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