If we can’t solve it, how can you help?
Why therapy can often be the missing part of the puzzle.
Many couples have 2 different approaches to therapy – one of them is keen to discuss things and get a different view on it. The other is hesitant, they feel that they should be able to work it out together – how can a stranger help them?
One person is wanting to look forward, and one person is keen to dive into all the prior challenges.
Often one partner has two feet in even though they are unhappy and one person has already one foot out.
So how can a stranger help you dissect what can be years of challenges and misunderstanding and bring you to a different place.
The first thing they notice is that we don’t get right into the challenges. The conversations are focused on putting in place tools so that when discussions do happen it feels very different to perhaps how they have gone before.
If every time you have tried to resolve things you have ended up in either conflict or withdraw then we need to try something different!
With the majority of clients, the first thing I do is ask them to tell their individual stories of how they met – what was the relationship based on in those early days when you wanted to spend time together and enjoyed each other’s company …
This can sometimes be emotional, but it helps us to set the scene.
Then we look at practising a whole new way of talking – a way in which you really share, they really listen and you both end up feeling heard.
This can be a revelation to many – to actually hear your partner reflect on your actual words, to acknowledge your emotions without giving their point of view, whether they agree or not or defend back. To simply have them Iisten and hear you.
Teaching these tools is by far one of the most important roles as a relationship therpiast.
It can be easy to just let people get caught up in the drama again – but that won’t create any new dynamics.
Additionally, as a therapist rather than a counsellor my role is not to sit and listen but to be an active participant.
To stop and let you know what I have observed and heard, to give a different perspective, to ask questions which can shape the next stage of the conversation.
And I think another big thing to remember is – I have no emotional attachment here. It is not my goal to ‘fix’ your relationship. That may be your goal, and I’m committed to you in the room to help you work towards that but it’s not my goal. I also am not fixated on people staying together – if they do fabulous – but sometimes it doesn’t happen and then my role is to support the next steps for everyone involved.
You can rest assured I’m not there to judge or take sides and there isn’t much I haven’t heard or had disclosed to me.
Your friends and family will have your best interests at heart of course but that cloud their views. I care about all my clients; I don’t want to see people hurt and upset … but because I am a stranger I can help you explore the tough stuff without having emotional bias come into play.
That doesn’t mean I don’t empathise – quite to opposite … and during session it is my role to hold your space safely so you can express your emotions.
When sessions end … then I process those emotions. Of course, some stories have a bigger impact than others. But you don’t need to hold space for me like you do with those close to you either.
As you can see having a stranger come into your relationship can give lots of different ways of support. It can break those conversation blockers and give a fresh pair of eyes on the situation.
Helping you to get clarity and move forward with purpose. – whatever that looks like!
For support in your relationship please book a free initial consultation.
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