I posted recently about how many couples find themselves in difficulty when they forget to stay curious about each other.
We get so caught up in our busy lives that we stop properly communicating. Not just the simple tasks but really getting interested in what is going on for each other.
And this behaviour tends to escalate when things become challenging. Tension and conflict often breed the same. People get involved in stating their cases and expressing their hurt. What they stop doing is asking questions about how they got there in the first place.
Take yourself back to those first days of dating. Remember what it was like when you knew so little about each other. When you had so many questions and it was fun to discover who each other was, and who you were together.
In session 1 with my couples this is my first question to ask. Tell me about how you met and what it was about your partner that made you want to have that relationship.
We do this whatever the situation, whether simply losing connection or experiencing crisis.
We step away from getting into the weeds of the challenges and we stay in that moment.
So that when we start to talk about the difficult stuff, we have also remembered what it means to get curious and actually find out what’s going on. In the therapy room I often ask them to think like the therapist. Imagine you are the third party just hearing what’s happened – I know I have a load of questions I would like to ask if I could!
Getting curious takes you away from conflict and into discovery.
And you don’t need to be in the therapy space to get curious. When did you last just sit and really talk about things, what’s going for each other, your plans, your hopes… I see so many people sitting together but disconnected – attached to those digital devices which suck out our ability to have good communication with each other.
Yes, you may have been together a long time – but that doesn’t mean there is nothing to talk about. Don’t assume your partner is always the same.
Look to see them with fresh eyes. Think about what is going in their world right now… and rather than feeling the need to book a ‘date night’ with the usual meal and a drink just make some time to sit together and talk to one another. Get curious again and see how it can reignite your relationship.
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