It happens … people think that they have stated their needs and wants … and are baffled when they feel it isn’t landing … but when we explore this further there is nearly always a good explanation for why – because the communication wasn’t actually communicated!
The most common one is when someone just assumes their partner knows stuff… the stuff in their head … the unspoken … they say things like ‘how could they not know?’, we have been together so long! ‘‘they must know – why should I have to tell them? ‘‘who would think that was, OK?’
All good questions but the fact is that thinking your partner knows it is a step towards chaos! They are not mind readers, and also your view of the world is not theirs.
They don’t see things like you do – they have filters and perceptions and baggage and their own needs… and so sometimes you need to just lay it out clearly. Whilst it might feel obvious to you it does not mean they get it at all – so don’t assume!
The next one so that you lose the topic you want to communicate because you get caught up in conflict , your own emotions etc and you might focus on talking to defend or attack – you think you are addressing the issue but it’s lost and they don’t hear it .. so, when it happens again you feel frustrated but all they remember is that they had a row with you about something!
Then there is avoidance or panic. You want to talk about something, but you go round the houses – you talk about anything but – you aren’t clear in your thoughts or needs because you worry it will upset them or you feel embarrassed so you miss the goal altogether.
In sessions we practise to communicate to listen and to communicate to be heard. We take time to break down the conversation, to acknowledge and reflect back, to check facts and to ask questions and get curious. It’s a whole different way of addressing your communication… giving clarity and confirmation.
So, here’s some tips to help you.
Communication is the number one reason people give for coming into the therapy space… but it’s never s simple as just you think 😊
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ALI MOORE Relationship Therapist (@the_relationship_arena) • Instagram photos and videos
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