Conflict or Rupture is a part of all relationships – no one has a relationship that never needs some attention. If conflict feels too big a word think more about debate, discussion, difference of ideas or wants or needs.
For the most part it happens organically – people can often find themselves in the middle of a rupture without having any thought it would go there – or there can be times when you just know it’s going to happen.
It can also be healthy to have these deeper conversations – to express emotions. The key is what happens after – the repair.
I will be writing a few blogs about this topic but here let’s look at some key behaviours which can prevent a healthy repair happening.
- Conflict avoidance – yes actually never wanting to rock the boat can mean that needs and wants are never expressed, that no one says what’s needed and new agreements cannot be made. Feelings get suppressed and we aim to people please which can lead to resentment and frustration. So, for those that say – we never argue – sometimes its not a good thing!
- Unable to see change or be flexible – when rupture happens it often comes from differing points of views or actions. Repair happens when you can see the other persons point of view – be open to hearing them and talk about new agreements. However, if the conversation stays with one or both or all of you holding onto your grounds, repeating your viewpoint, on the defence then repair cannot take place. You don’t have to cave in – you can have that different view – but simply repeating it will not move the conversation forward.
- Lack of empathy for the other person – in a similar way when we have good repair, we see how the other person feels – we acknowledge it and where appropriate we apologise for the feelings caused. It may not have been the intention but again if you simply hold onto that and cannot be in the other persons space then repair is difficult because they feel unseen.
- Presuming the word sorry fixes everything! – your sorry needs to be heartfelt and intentional – it needs to be about the other people and the situation. It isn’t about making you feel better, ending the conversation or trying to manage the situation and there also may be a need for action as well as words. Sorry can actually be the easiest word to say if it is any of the above.
So, have a think about behaviour patterns in your world – do you recognise any of them?
Often, we have similar approaches, learned behaviours so they will keep cropping up.
My next blog gives some tips on how to approach repair and make it stick.
For support in any relationship – life, love or business why not book a free initial consultation. https://calendly.com/bemooretherapy/discovery-call
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